Friday, June 3, 2011

I Quit.

Can I just say that it's hard to be a girl?!?!

The emotional roller coaster we ride is a difficult one to manage. And frankly there are days when I don't manage it well at all. Somedays I give up and don 't try and manage it at all.
Yesterday was one of those days.

I was a mess.
From top to bottom, inside and out a complete mess.

I've noticed that mess tends to spread out and turn others into messes quickly.

Momma sets the tone for the whole house.
There are days when that is just feels like a lot of pressure.

But, besides the typical roller coaster of womanhood, yesterday I found myself swimming in a sea of fear and doubt.

I hate being afraid.

Which is why that is a battle I have to face often.

My fear often turns to doubt.

Fear of what, doubt of what. . .

 Anything, everything. . . it changes but in general it usually has to do with my kids.
But lately the fear and doubt has creeped into my 'calling' or purpose.

Fear of not being good enough, of running out of time (I've got a big birthday looming in front of me)
fear of  not being enough for my kids, rejection, lack of direction.
You name it and it was bubbling up yesterday.
Fear leads to doubt.
"Since I'm not good enough, then I was wrong about going in this direction."
"If it was going to happen it would have happened already, it's to late."
"If you were a better mother,__________wouldn't have happened."

Can I  be honest and say that by 4:00 yesterday I was the biggest grouch around.
Called the Hubs and pouted to him.
Yelled at the kids.
Didn't make dinner.
Just sulked.

But, as I meditated before the Lord last night ( and don't misunderstand, by meditated I mean I plopped down in the chair and prayed? "I QUIT") I began to feel  some deep questions come over me.

Calm down, haven't we been here before?
If you're not good enough, are you saying My creation is lacking something?
Running out of time? My time is all that matters!
Are those your children or mine? Mine? Then let me lead them without you holding on so tightly.
They rejected my son too, I know Baby Girl. Let me hold you.
The only path you need to follow is mine.
Maybe you should quit. Quit trying to do things in your own strength. Quit trying to control everything.
Quit taking your mood out on the people around you.

Perhaps I'm the only one reading this who deals with fear and doubt, but I don't think so.
Satan attacks us where he knows he can do the most damage and so often that has to do with our families and relationships. He can't take away our salvation so we wants to make us useless.
And who is more useless than a grouchy scaredy cat? Afraid to move, afraid to try, afraid to fail.

Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

vs.11 The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress.

So who's going to quit with me?


Tonya said...

I quit too! I am horrible about feeling insecure. Really horrible about it.

Angie said...

Insecurity is an evil little pest that turns into a giant monster if we let it!
Praying for you, Friend!

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