Monday, May 6, 2013

Going Dark

Have you ever taken one of those personality test that chose one of four main types of temperaments

 then add secondary traits to mix and match your personality?

I've done several versions over the years and although different tests call them different names the results have always been the same.

Easy going, sociable, optimistic and people oriented are the usual words I get described with.

As I've had children some things have shifted, but mostly my personality has remained the same.  

Unlike other things I could mentioned that motherhood has 'shifted', if you know what I mean.
(Every mom just raised her hand)

But, I've been going through some medical things lately. Things that have been out of control for sometime, but I've been doctoring everyone else (and I'm a chicken) and I just haven't taken care of them. But, as the symptoms have gotten harder and harder to control, I finally caved and headed to  a specialist several weeks ago.

To sum it up, as I suspected things in my body had gotten completely out of whack and I've ended up on a couple of different high doses of medications to try and stabilize what's going on.

As, my body is trying to adjust, it hasn't been pretty. And in fact both medications say 'may cause major mood swings'. . .Well, for someone who doesn't like to take an aspirin, let's just say, that's putting it lightly.

After piling up and piling up, last week things started to crash in around me, and the typically happy-go-lucky girl I am, fell into a deep dark hole that seemed almost bottomless.

Something very difficult came  up in ministry, one of my kiddos had (has) pneumonia  then Friday one of them woke up with a stomach bug.
The sun has not been shining here in KC for days and well, I can honestly say I found myself feeling
some things I've never felt before, not even after I had my children.
With my first, I experienced a minor MINOR case of baby blues, but last week was something much more than that.

I hesitate to label it, for several reasons, but one is that I'm not a doctor and I certainly wouldn't want anyone thinking that what worked for me would work for them.
And let me say, emphatically, that if your doctor has put you on medication for depression or any other brain disorder-TAKE THE MEDS. 
It does not make you less Christian and less healthy. Take the meds.

As the week wore on I was struggling with insomnia, and by Friday I felt barely able to function.

I knew enough to ask friends to pray.  I tried to pray but found it difficult to form the words. . .I just didn't know what to say, so I would just pray 'Help Me Lord'.

On Saturday the thought (I'm sure given from the Lord) occurred to me, "What would I tell someone else who was struggling?"

Well, I would tell them Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Then I would say, read it with your name inserted. . .

Do not fear, Angie, for I am right here with you.
Do not be dismayed, Angie, for I am YOUR God.
Angie, I will strengthen YOU and help YOU.
Angie, I am holding you up with the righteousness of my right hand.

I would tell them to read Psalm 139

Your God made you. He not only knows you, He understands you.
He sees you.

I would tell them look at Psalm 91

You love the Lord? Yes.
Then He has promised to protect you, to cover you to be your shield.
To deliver you.

Then I would say read Philippians 4:6-7

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

On Sunday I took those last two verses and just repeated them over and over. . .
And you  know what? There is a peace that transcends all understanding.

Nothing externally has really changed here today, yet I am feeling much more like myself than I have in days. The only that has changed is my focus when I feel the darkness creeping in.

Maybe my glimmer into a world that is all too troubling for many people, especially women doesn't seem like much to you. But, to this typically, hopeful, happy girl it was eye opening.

I am no expert, I hold no medical degrees, but I do know this-Even in your deepest darkest pit when you've struggled against it all you can, but feel yourself falling into the darkness anyway, I know it feels like you're alone, but HOLD ON. 

He -Jesus Christ, Emmanuel -God with us, is there.

He's made us a promise. He said He'd never leave us or forsake us.
When you've got nothing else to hold on to, hold on to that.

The sun will shine again, the darkness will fade to light.
You are not alone.

Praying for you today,

1 comments - Add Yours

Marcia Bloom said...

I have been there and it is a place I don't want to go again. The Word is what brought me up out of my pit. Psalm 40: 1-3 has been my Word since that day. "I waited patiently for the Lord, And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He brought me up out a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth --Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear and trust in the Lord. When I feel myself heading toward that pit I reach out for that hand that lifted me up and He it always there. Praying my friend for you and family.

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