Monday, March 30, 2015

Fear of Failure and The Fat Girl

The fear of failure is one of, if not THE, main enemy of the perfectionist.

And I am a perfectionist.

This has left me so unwilling, so scared really, to try so many things in my life.



Perfectionism is a tricky little demon because it can be innocuous and then if you are a good

Christian  Girl you can drag God right into your little idol because of course "He only wants our best"

 or "you should always give God your best" and we take that and twist it and leave grace behind.


And it becomes all about me.

 Look at all these "good things" I have done, isn't

God so pleased with me right now.

_________________________________________________________________


Not only has it built up pride in my life it has also left me frozen and unable to try.

Because if you don't try, then you can't fail and if you don't fail then you are still perfect.

(BTW,  as a recovering perfectionist I never said my reasoning was logical! The thing is -it is so

much easier to spot the cray-cray in others way before it is in you)


You know what one sure fire way to help you get over your perfectionist self is? Have some kiddos

that are far less than perfect-and I am not even talking about behavior-although we certainly could-

but I'm not.

A precious, delicious, soft, sweet little bundle is placed in your arms and you love that gift more than

your own life-more than you ever thought possible, then you realize that precious gift has a host

of health problems. . . that they aren't perfect.  And there isn't one thing you can do to change it.

Parenting 3 less than perfect kids has taught me so much and has helped that idol of perfectionism

crumble down. . .except in one area.



My weight. (yep as hard as it is, I'm going to go there. GULP)


How can a so-called recovering perfectionist have a weight problem you might wonder. . .

Well, remember when I mentioned the thought process of 'if you don't try you can't fail'.

Yep that is where I've been for the last 8+ years.

Scared to even try because I was scared I'd fail.  Again. And when you fail with your weight-

everyone sees.  "Oh look Angie put back on a few pounds. Bless her heart."

There were lots of attempts in my younger days.  Starts and stops.  Then two baby boys came.

And after that second  sweet boy, I vowed that this was it- my weight would finally and forever be

gone. And in just under 10 months I lost 100 lbs.



Then I found out our precious baby girl was on our way.



Since that day until this past January, I have tried only one other time to loose the weight I had

packed  and packed so more, back on.


It was easier to pretend like it didn't bother me, remind everyone of my (very real) thyroid disease

than to face the humiliation of trying and failing.  So, I trapped myself, not just behind the weight but

behind the expectation that trying and not succeeding the first time is somehow totally and complete

failure.

Perfectionist lie to themselves.  Even recovering ones like me.



As of this morning I have lost 49.5 lbs, my goal is to have lost 50 by April 10th.

It's easy for me to look at the scale and see that I have about 80lbs to go.

Perfectionist can sometimes look at the end goal, think they are going to fail anyway, so just

give up.  But not this time for me.  My journey is not, will not, cannot ever be perfect.  I am

slowly realizing that imperfection is ok.  Who in the world are we trying to fool anyway?

Perfection in anything can never be attained.  Our best, our effort, our obedience is  in trying, I've

come to see that there is where I find Jesus most often.

 Perfect people don't need a Savior.

I need one every day. . .often multiple times.

My failure doesn't come if the weight never gets all the way gone. My failure comes from not even

trying.

I share my weight loss journey with you, not for accolades or applause, but to admit how fear has

kept me trapped.  (well fear and a french fry)

Your journey may be different than mine, but I'm wondering, if you weren't afraid you'd fail what

would you try?

I have been blessed and seen God move on my behalf in such amazing ways every time I have

obeyed and stepped WAY out of my comfort zone and didn't let the fear of appearing less than

perfect stop me.


Perfectionism is a lie.  Don't let it hold you in it's trap.  That trap can hurt and destroy.


We all fail, we all fall, the perfect part is when you stand back up, brush

yourself off and try again.

Grace -for yourself and others-wins over perfection every time.


Recovering in KC,




12 comments:

Amanda said...

Congratulations on your weight loss. 40+ lbs is a huge milestone. Thanks for sharing your journey!

Diane said...

I adore you - this is awesome and congratulations!!!!

Maria Hass said...

Right on girl! It's true. I was totally stuck in the exact same fear you described thirty pounds ago. God laid it in my heart to share some things about that over the next month. Look forward to hearing (or reading) more from you!

Sarah said...

Fear and a French fry. Oh, how I adore you. Love you, love your heart. You are awesome. The end.

Sue Parke said...

It's OK to fall, as long as you get back up. You'll get there! Keep at it and stay positive!

Natasha Hanneman said...

Hang in there sista and congrats on your progress thus far! Luckily we have Him in our court!

M said...

having a large amount to lose is so discouraging at times. You're doing great, keep it up!! :) :)

Jenny said...

What a beautifully raw and honest post...and a great big, "Good for you girl!"

Starla J. said...

Thanks for sharing your heart! Congrats on the weight loss.

Angie said...

Thank you all for the encouraging words! I appreciate them so much!

Traci Rhoades said...

The only cure I've found for perfectionism is realizing that in Jesus I am always and forever enough. And congrats on your weight loss. Not an easy task but you should be super proud of yourself!

Rachael Boley said...

Boom! Love this!!! As a recovering perfectionist and someone who has struggled with food and eating disorders forever, I so get this. Good for you! We can't fail if we never try, but we can't succeed either. Go get um! Even if you fail! I've learned those failures are blessings, and lessons to learn, and building blocks of strength along the way! Good job mama!

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